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Break Ups and How I Dealt With Mine

“She broke up with me.”

That’s never easy for a guy to say. It has something to do with pride and the inevitable question: “Is there something wrong with me?” I’ve asked myself the same question once and I’ll answer it for you too: “Is there something wrong with me?” is the wrong question. It doesn’t focus on the big picture. When things go wrong, the main perpetrator is lack of balance.

I shall confess to you my previous love affair, a most grandiose story that end with much blood and tears, and even some missing body parts. Before I do that, however, I’d like to quote my spunky friend abby:

“a perfectly equal relationship is not a relationship, but a math problem”

The above is good to keep in mind because good relationships don’t necessarily thrive on perfect equality, but rather on a healthy balance between two (I hope) people.

At the most basic level, problems result from lack of balance. You’ve all heard of the phrase “mo money mo problems”. Our ozone is depleting from too many pollutants in the sky. Anorexic people (read: Nicole Richie) look unhealthy because they don’t eat enough. It’s always too much or too little or something. Sounds obvious and simple, but I didn’t realize that until my last relationship ended with a two-hour phone call.

The problem with my last relationship? LACK OF TIME. And perhaps incompatible personalities. But mostly the former. I won’t get too much into it. It was a humbling experience when my ex broke up with me, especially when I was least expecting it. No, I didn’t slash any tires or jump off the roofs of midgets’ houses. But in case you were wondering about the blood and guts I’ve referenced earlier, I’ve deceptively lead you here:

how to deal with breakups

Ok, I lied. My breakup was as normal and casual as could be. No blood and tears. But I certainly felt like there were. That’s the thing - I was acting like the breakup was some tragedy. At least for the first two days. I didn’t hurt because the relationship was a brief two months, but I thought that it should hurt since that’s the normal way to feel about a breakup. After that realization, I was a happy chap again. Oh, one thing; I wasn’t lying about that bit about the missing body parts. I got my head shaved the day after my breakup. I guess that helped a little.

Actually, it was one of the dumbest things I ever did. So learn from my mistakes and consider the following…

1) Make It Fun(ny)

My buddies helped me with this one. I made fun of my breakup, by making it melodramatic, grandiose, and ridiculous. In doing so it helped me see that even on a realistic scale, my sad mood was a bit ridiculous. I was (and still am!) young. With many passions, such as punch-boxing and drinking chilled water. I was going to travel to my favorite country, Africa. Why would I be sad? A little bit of humor goes a long way.

2) What is Love? (Baby don’t hurt me…)

The affirmation that I wasn’t in love and never said “I love you” (always take this phrase with utmost seriosity) helped me move on quickly. Especially when it comes to physical relationships, knowing that there wasn’t much genuine love involved, or that it was a fling, greatly helps you move on. So before you drown yourself in wonton soup (who knows what people drink these days), ask yourself if it was really love or the illusion of it.

3) Drown yourself in wonton soup
In slight contrast to above advice (I’m a pretty fair guy), I suggest setting a time to feel sad. No, really. Jokes aside, I know I suggested not to be too sad. But I also realize that sometimes you just can’t force it. I mean, if you’ve been holding and kissing and hugging your significant other every day for the last 366 days of the year, you’re not gonna be a happy chap 1 day after the breakup. In fact, forcing yourself to be happy or into a sudden social scene may NOT always help out. When you’re sad, there’ s no helping it. So set a sad day for yourself. Tell yourself “okay, I’m gonna take a walk while listening to Bjork and coldplay and all the other music I told my friends was gay but listen to myself. Just today, cause goddamn, I have a paper to write. ” Speaking of papers…

4) Set some deadlines and dates.

Simply writing down and planning things to do will greatly improve your mood. Just a little reflection will help you realize that there IS a lot of stuff to look forward to. Like watching The Office episodes for free online and getting back into the that’s-what-she-said mode (I owe you my life, Michael Scott.) After your emo day, set happy days. Hang out with your friends. They need some serious attention after you freakin’ hoes-before-bro’ed them. But seriously, I was so glad that I didn’t abandon my friends during my previous relationship. Saved me a lot of social capital.

5) Have a nice cup of shut the **** up

When people ask, it’s in YOUR best interest to keep information about your breakup to a minimum: “Oh, it just didn’t work out” or “It’s in the past, so don’t worry about it” will be clear enough. I mean, is there really any need to draw out all those old and foreign emotions out on the table? Moreover, RESIST the urge to talk smack and gossip and rumor; doing so will only convey to people 1) you’re not over her and 2) you’re a bitter, bitter, black-licorice man.

And most importantly…Save the Best for Last

6) Don’t Shave Your Head.

Self explanatory.

I will probably post again just once before finals and totally rip up this website and redesign during spring break.

your wingman,

gale

p.s. If you realized some words were made up or some facts were not really facts, good for you. My faith in the public schooling system has returned.

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