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Tuning In

I’m excited to present to you, for the first time, a guest article from my dear friend. I’ve always considered him wise, sensitive, and above all an excellent writer, and hope that you take much from what he has to say

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If you’ve ever watched a sitcom, you’ll always come upon many episodes where everything screws up because there’s a breakdown in communication. Approaching the communication in a relationship is no different: you can whisper a million sweet nothings into her ear, but nothing will speak to her more than showing her that you respect her. And I’ve learned that there’s nothing sexier than a guy who listens.

1) Eye contact

The biggest issue with eye contact is the lack of it. A friend of mine talks to me about how a lot of guys let their eyes wander down her body while they’re talking to her, failing to be subtle about their scrutiny. The point isn’t to be as subtle as possible; it’s to focus on HER. Keeping eye contact with her during a conversation is the first step to showing that you are paying attention to what she is saying. It shows you are focused just on her words, not on how low her shirt is.

However, don’t let your eyes bore into her; most people don’t like prolonged, fixed stares. (Blinking helps.) So how do you keep your eyes on her without letting yourself wander? Simple. What I like to do is occasionally shift my focus to a point on her face near her eyes; that way, you keep the connection without creating an awkward situation. You can also shift very briefly to a point just outside her ears, but don’t let your gaze stay there long. You only need a brief second or two to relieve possible direct eye contact tension.

2) Pay attention

The next thing, besides the all-important eye contact, is how you respond to what she says. When she talks, you have to LISTEN. Her words need to do more than enter your head too; you have to absorb and process. Treat her words like they’re valuable (which they often are), and you will set a more solid foundation for a trusting, understanding relationship. I’m sure you’ve heard many times that “two people just didn’t connect”, or “there was a lack of communication” as the reason for a breakup. Communication is a two-way street; guys who complain about their rambling girlfriends have to accept some fault. A relationship is built on compromises, which can’t happen without both individuals participating.

If your girl is telling you something that seems important to her, take a step back and think. Nod along as you take in her words, and to convey that you are taking her seriously, repeat back the main points she’s trying to get across to you. Then, it’s no longer just a rant; it becomes conversation. And that’s what you’re in a relationship for, the ability to have someone who will listen to you when you need him/her, and also care about what’s being said. And in the process, current and potential problems become resolved. Then your bond becomes more meaningful, and you’ll feel awesome when she tells her friends that she’s got a guy who listens to her (see, it’s GOOD to be sensitive). She’ll appreciate you all the more, and both of you win in the end.

One final thing to note: sometimes, she just wants someone to rant to. She won’t be in the best mood, and she’s just got a lot to get off her shoulders. Guys, sometimes it’s better just to let her resolve her issues on her own. You don’t have to be her knight in shining armor every time something rains on her day (you’ll get rusty really quick). You’ll know when you hit a situation where she doesn’t want your opinion, and even if she seems to a bit stubborn about it, just let it go. Everyone deserves to be stubborn sometimes, so don’t offer your perceptions unless you feel it’s appropriate. As for you ladies, know that if a guy sometimes suggests something that you don’t particularly like, he’s not trying to piss you off. His words are generally well-intentioned (if sometimes a bit badly timed), and you know that sometimes the best solution is not the one you want to hear. Just listen to him (two-way street, right?), but don’t bite him. After all, you don’t need more people to be angry at.

And that’s my two cents for now, I’ll write again if anything else comes to mind or if you have any requests.

Guest Writer:

-Zack

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